Get your ducks in a row!

Hey everyone, been a little while again since I last posted right? Haha...

Since then I've been on and off again with life, go figure, but you do what you can with it. I've been putting up my business cards around town, no emails yet but then again not everyone in the general public understands or enjoys art the way customers do on FA/DA/Other sites similar.

Played around with the dating game again with a super swell guy, but only to realize that it was to soon and I wasn't prepared to jump that deep yet. It's a shame since I liked him well enough, but it just wasn't enough if you know what I mean...

I've just been thinking lately after my last stresser this month how even more so I need to get my ducks in a row, get my plans made up, priorities straight so that the next time I want to take a swim in the love pool I might be a little more ready. But for now I'm happy just to dab my feet in the shallows, maybe break some hearts and have a few loose ends. Life is gamble! Win or lose, you're still living it with another chance to roll. And that's what I'm doing, I got a little stung from the last guy here and as I do feel I deserved a little of it he was taking 20 steps faster than I could ever manage to catch up. So here I am, rolling again.

Today has been stressful, hurtful, lots of things. I lost another friend even though I kept my heart open to them. People just don't care to keep things like me around I guess, so I'll keep looking for the people who will find me worth while to keep around regardless of what tag I wear to them. They are the ones worth searching for after all!

I spent my day moping around the house, but I did manage to get some doodles done. Nothing to incredibly fancy but I made a new character for an art club I'm in on DeviantArt. It's called Valley of Siyyon and my newest character there is Sirius the Qilin taurkin! I'm also a club moderator there, I help out by being the creativity behind the Humans and Spirit animals part of the club. I have a lot cut out for me that's for my spare time when I'm not working for subeta or on my commissions. Speaking of which I need to get back and cracking on those! I have a lovely break since my last quota due-date and now that I think my near-burn-out is over I can roll back into work.

Last I did tonight was take a really long hot shower, got completely squeaky clean. Tossed on a shirt and shorts and went walking around town all odd hours of the night. Got some hoots and hollas, waved and smiled. It was hard though, I felt pretty glum even after drawing today... By the time I got back near my house it was about 4:25am and I was at the park. I just wandered over to the swing set like I did at my moms place and her lil park and sat down.. I sat there letting the cold breeze swing over me, it was so refreshing. But all of sudden I found myself crying.

I cried long and hard for a good 30 minutes at the least.... I sat there and thought all the "Oh poor me" thoughts I could manage to think up. Soon enough as my head started to pound I got up sniffling wiping away all my snot and tears on my shirt I walked back home. I got inside the house where my two dogs were waiting excitedly for me. Shutting the door behind me I just sat down on the stairs still sniffling and crying here and there to myself but my two pooches wouldn't have that.

They both came wagging up to me and got right in my face licking all the slop, I groaned in disgust but then began to laugh because no matter how hard I tried to push them away they aways came back pushing against me, trying to get my lap, getting under my arms. Just doing what they do best, making their momma happy as can be. It was then I started to think about all the amazing things I do have in my life. I have a brand new car, I have wonderful friends, I have a mother who loves me, a house to sleep in, a job to pay for it all, two lovely little dogs who mean the world to me.

Even though there was no one there to hold me as I cried, to pat my head, rub my back, nothing at all like that... It's okay. I know it's a nice thing to have, but it's not a necessary thing to have. There are not a lot of people who can see that side of me, this completely broken sad self I try so hard to keep tucked away these days and I hope no one ever does have to see it. I hope I don't have to see it ever again too. But it will surface once in a while, but I'll remember to breath, to smile, and to tell everyone I care about how much I love them.

You hear that? I love you Mom, Jesse J, Katie B, Morgan S, Jackie L, Hayley H, Candy and Shade. You guys in your unimaginable ways help make my world go round. How you do it still baffles and astounds me. And I'm lucky. Thanks guys, I hope you know I miss you all so much even though we're so near each other I don't see you all nearly enough.

Ahh, life is tough. But we all manage one way or another. I hope some day I can do a little better than "manage".

Thanks for reading everyone. <3