Tumblr

Made myself an easy to use tumblr account to post doodles on.

http://doodleloser.tumblr.com/
http://doodleloser.tumblr.com/
http://doodleloser.tumblr.com/

Frustrated...

I'm sick of everyone right now. Uhg. Can't even draw due to the frustration...

oiii....

Just gotta work work work...... Get rid of all the bad things and focus on work.

Up in the Stars

I remember promising more pictures to show of my short short hair! Here is a whole photobucket gallery [PLEASE BEWARE, THERE ARE SOME NSFW PICTURES] of a bunch of pictures goofy and cute that I've taken over the month!


News, news, news! I've applied for a new job over at Target to work overnight flow/stocking. I got the job easy as pie! Now it's just a new goal to be a MAN and keep at the job hard working and 100%! I can't be flaky about it since I really need to save up the cash!

Above is me after orientation, I won a little Target Puppy Plushie for guessing closest to what our store is scored out of 1700. I guessed 50, it was actually 65. Pretty damn good for little ol' Grand Forks ND right?

Well many things have hit the fan since my last post here. I've moved back home with my mom after losing my contract with Subeta which was completely understandable. All bads on my part. I wasn't sure if I could get another job fast enough to manage on my own so to be safe than sorry I convinced my mom to let me move back into the computer room. She cleaned up my room so nicely I couldn't have it back, lol.

This in the long run helps me with my long term goals. By the end of next spring/start of next summer I plan to be moving to Kentucky. I have no reasons to stay in North Dakota, I'm not successful any career, I'm not in school, I'm.. just.. well lurking here. And that's not the life I want. So I'm going to be much more active and shaping up and getting my life into some reality checks! By moving out of the home state I'm accomplishing one goal, I'll be much closer to any if not a ton of conventions of ALL different sorts. Yes, this means next year summer/fall I will officially be attending conventions! Crazy right? It will be a way to help promote myself as an artist and meet all the crazy cool people I know by the internet.

That much aside, the move has gone well, I have everything MOSTLY in order. I just gotta get my name off the lease at the old house and swap over all the bills to one of the room mates. I just keep getting distracted and never have the time to get a hold of her which again is my bad.

Other deals in my life... Well romantics I suppose, I'm just not cut out for it right now I think. I have a lot on my plate self-goal wise that I don't have the energy to keep up with a new love interest. The first one, Grill, as you all may have seen did not turn out so well. I dated him for a short 3 weeks but that clearly was just enough to make a man go crazy. I was extremely sad to find out in the end he really didn't care about me... He only wanted to get laid and I was the closest option to it. Now all he has to say about me are filthy names... He's a crazy guy, but if you're not romantically inclined to him I think he's still some what of a good person. He was a really nice guy and seemed like a good friend to talk to and hang out with. If only I didn't have tits. :/ I can't seem to keep any good guy friends because they all just want sex.... Shit really sucks.

Next one was a really sweet kid that was introduced to me by a friend, but there is a lot of growing up to do on both sides. I just wanted to play cute little crush girl again but it wasn't the right time. After two failed attempts I now more officially now it's better off to just wait.

I know how to date someone I've fallen in LOVE with. Someone who is a dear friend to me, who is a relief to talk to, is a complete blast to be with. Even when we fight we end up laughing over it hours later. That is the man[or woman] I need to date. This whole, "Hey I sorta like you" nonsense isn't getting me anywhere romance wise. So I'll just cut that shit out now lol. Sticking to the cute, fun, playful and single flirt!

Art wise for me right now is really tough stuff... I've lost just about all my drive lately. I bet my customers are cursing my name as I type this, but I just can't seem to get a good grasp on my art-self. I think I've been hurt a few to many times lately and left in a muck of emotional sulking that I don't know how to fix just yet. It's not a simple "hugs feel better" instant fix! It's just something that has to come naturally on it's own or else I'm only half-assing all my work.. And that's not what my customers are paying for. I want to give them the best I can do.

Just right now I'm completely stumped... Even when drawing for myself I can't seem to get out a scribble or two. It hurts since I want to draw, I have some ideas in my head that I'd like to get on screen, but when I sit down to do it.... Nothing is there. I feel empty, weak, almost lifeless.... It's a horrible feeling.

So right now I'm just looking for my spark and praying that my customers will forgive me and be patient. Hopefully I can at least refund the people who do get to frustrated with me now that I have a job. Not a good way to please a customer although... :C

Life is tough, it has it's ups and downs. Regardless of all the distance that is happening between me and my friends right now, the repeating heart breaks, and terrible nightmares I think I'm still pretty positive and happy. Or at least I'm trying really hard to be...

Leaving this post with a little song lyric.

♪♫ I'll watch you falling from me,
When you hit the ground maybe you'll see,
The only way to fall is down
and I'll be up in the stars
but I'll be anywhere you are,
just say you need me and I'll come down ♪♫

Hurts to say it. But I miss him so much.

Sigh.. Thanks for reading,
AJ <3

Hair Cut!

These are shitty camera phone pictures, sorry in advance! But I just wanted to update real quick about my new short short hair cut. :D

BEFORE....AFTER....

Also keep in mind I let my roomie "style" it too. I'm really NOT a fan of product of any kind touching my hair. So I'll update later with better quality photos with more natural fluffy hair. c:

squeeee short cheap hair just before freezing winter.. oh god what have I done lol.

Get your ducks in a row!

Hey everyone, been a little while again since I last posted right? Haha...

Since then I've been on and off again with life, go figure, but you do what you can with it. I've been putting up my business cards around town, no emails yet but then again not everyone in the general public understands or enjoys art the way customers do on FA/DA/Other sites similar.

Played around with the dating game again with a super swell guy, but only to realize that it was to soon and I wasn't prepared to jump that deep yet. It's a shame since I liked him well enough, but it just wasn't enough if you know what I mean...

I've just been thinking lately after my last stresser this month how even more so I need to get my ducks in a row, get my plans made up, priorities straight so that the next time I want to take a swim in the love pool I might be a little more ready. But for now I'm happy just to dab my feet in the shallows, maybe break some hearts and have a few loose ends. Life is gamble! Win or lose, you're still living it with another chance to roll. And that's what I'm doing, I got a little stung from the last guy here and as I do feel I deserved a little of it he was taking 20 steps faster than I could ever manage to catch up. So here I am, rolling again.

Today has been stressful, hurtful, lots of things. I lost another friend even though I kept my heart open to them. People just don't care to keep things like me around I guess, so I'll keep looking for the people who will find me worth while to keep around regardless of what tag I wear to them. They are the ones worth searching for after all!

I spent my day moping around the house, but I did manage to get some doodles done. Nothing to incredibly fancy but I made a new character for an art club I'm in on DeviantArt. It's called Valley of Siyyon and my newest character there is Sirius the Qilin taurkin! I'm also a club moderator there, I help out by being the creativity behind the Humans and Spirit animals part of the club. I have a lot cut out for me that's for my spare time when I'm not working for subeta or on my commissions. Speaking of which I need to get back and cracking on those! I have a lovely break since my last quota due-date and now that I think my near-burn-out is over I can roll back into work.

Last I did tonight was take a really long hot shower, got completely squeaky clean. Tossed on a shirt and shorts and went walking around town all odd hours of the night. Got some hoots and hollas, waved and smiled. It was hard though, I felt pretty glum even after drawing today... By the time I got back near my house it was about 4:25am and I was at the park. I just wandered over to the swing set like I did at my moms place and her lil park and sat down.. I sat there letting the cold breeze swing over me, it was so refreshing. But all of sudden I found myself crying.

I cried long and hard for a good 30 minutes at the least.... I sat there and thought all the "Oh poor me" thoughts I could manage to think up. Soon enough as my head started to pound I got up sniffling wiping away all my snot and tears on my shirt I walked back home. I got inside the house where my two dogs were waiting excitedly for me. Shutting the door behind me I just sat down on the stairs still sniffling and crying here and there to myself but my two pooches wouldn't have that.

They both came wagging up to me and got right in my face licking all the slop, I groaned in disgust but then began to laugh because no matter how hard I tried to push them away they aways came back pushing against me, trying to get my lap, getting under my arms. Just doing what they do best, making their momma happy as can be. It was then I started to think about all the amazing things I do have in my life. I have a brand new car, I have wonderful friends, I have a mother who loves me, a house to sleep in, a job to pay for it all, two lovely little dogs who mean the world to me.

Even though there was no one there to hold me as I cried, to pat my head, rub my back, nothing at all like that... It's okay. I know it's a nice thing to have, but it's not a necessary thing to have. There are not a lot of people who can see that side of me, this completely broken sad self I try so hard to keep tucked away these days and I hope no one ever does have to see it. I hope I don't have to see it ever again too. But it will surface once in a while, but I'll remember to breath, to smile, and to tell everyone I care about how much I love them.

You hear that? I love you Mom, Jesse J, Katie B, Morgan S, Jackie L, Hayley H, Candy and Shade. You guys in your unimaginable ways help make my world go round. How you do it still baffles and astounds me. And I'm lucky. Thanks guys, I hope you know I miss you all so much even though we're so near each other I don't see you all nearly enough.

Ahh, life is tough. But we all manage one way or another. I hope some day I can do a little better than "manage".

Thanks for reading everyone. <3

Here's my card.

So I just finally got my business cards in the mail today! Pretty exciting!

I designed them myself!
It took me 3 versions before this official copy to decide on a card, here are the previous ideas I was testing out before I came to my final decision on what I wanted to show to people through card form.

[1] was my very first attempt at a business card. Very bland, didn't catch attention, just.. all around boring.

[2] second attempt to be simple and to the point. But still I didn't think it was very me at all. I just didn't like the bright white feel it had.

[3] third attempt I didn't get very far. I just wanted to show people that I wanted more of a vivid, dark, eye catching card. Something flashy in a way.

[Final - 4] the last attempt was is the one I liked best. It came in various colors originally but in the end I believe that purple and yellow go hand in hand. Make both colors pop, stand out, just be there own. I wonder why I didn't think to draw a tablet pen since that's what I prefer to work with over a paint brush, I don't even know how to paint actually! Haha, pretty funny to think about.

I just had to update with my flashy new cards, I'm so happy now I have them to hand out when talking about my artistic career! C: Now I just gotta get into learning how to make prints, posters, cards, magnets, all those little trinkets and goodies. It amazing me how much I still have to learn in order to survive the art world business and I took no consideration before LEAPING into it, maybe that's the best way in the end for me. Paddle vigorously and hope to hell I don't sink.

Thanks for reading everyone!

Flowers over Candies

Eeee, I just had to update RIGHT NOW!

I just got an adorable gift.

Grill snuck over to my house during a lunch break and left it on my care, proceeding to send me a picture text message saying there was a present waiting for me outside. You can not imagine my excitement as I tripped up my own stairs haha.
Isn't it gorgeous?!

Ok.. I admit, I was once one of those girls, "Flowers? Why the hell would I want flowers? Give me candy instead!" But after receiving my first rose... OMG I AM GIDDY <3

I just can't stop "Awwww" or "Squeeee!!!" ing over it all. It's just to sweet! Thank you Grill!!!!! <3 I remember where I had to hint like MAD to get previous guys to do.. well... anything. Sigh. +Rolls eyes at memories.+ But this kid? Holy shit he is on the BALL with all this! I didn't know guys like this existed any more. And I'm so happy he picked me. c:

I'm already turning out to be a horrible influence on the guy though, drawing him as a turtle and making him sign up on FurAffinity.net lol... SO BAD I know but it makes me happy that he seems interested in what I do and that I'm an artist. :D I'm use to people scoffing at me "That's not a real job" BS sort of idea.

But now when I make us tons of fan art.

Which I already got started on here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4247951
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4251623
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4253349

I get to tag him in them all since he does have an account, people won't be all "whodis?".

I need to get my butt back to work but I also can't seem to put this book down, some romance novel I picked up from walmart since we don't have any more book stores around le sigh. But it's called "Seven Secrets of Seduction" by Anne Mallory. So far I'm getting a real kick out of it and enjoying myself. But I gotta put it down so I can get back to drawing!!! Eep!

Haha, well that's my quick little fun update, thanks for reading! <3

Sweet on sweetness...

So I've been listening to Jessie James nonstop lately. lol
I love this song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-dzl0XcDRo

I figured I'd post on here again with something not.. raging. Haha.Life is having it's ups and downs as always, good things happening but the bad come around to meet their every step. Yet I'm not feeling to overwhelmed or depressed about it, in fact I'm having a hard time even thinking about the bad things. I'm just so thoroughly distracted in giggles and smiles.... It's honestly baffling.

So this new guy name Grill I might while back has really been warming up to me, I really wasn't sure what to make of it. I was shy but mostly scared.. After how my ex left with his selected parting words I didn't want to emotionally invest in anything other than myself and my dogs.
But quickly this guy is practically shoving his way into my life, and.. well... heck I kind of like it. I need to get to know him better and spend more time with him, I'm finding myself to be really nervous to do so, it's just hard to show someone all your flaws.

And yet I really want too.. So weird, haha. I've never thought of myself as a touchy-cuddly person. I never was in previous relationships, I felt awkward and crowded, like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand to have them so close which is why a long distance relationship was so perfect at the time. I get to be lovey-dovey on my won terms without the cling, I actually hated being touched by my ex sad as that is... But I'm finding this to be completely opposite now, Grill takes my hand, gives me little kisses, and I can feel myself blushing. Even now I find myself wanting to snuggle in a little closer which again. Weird for me. I'm not a touchy person. Hmm.. maybe it's the rush of infatuation? Who really knows.What I've decided though is that I'll roll with it. I figured, why not? I've been hurt many times before and it's always made me a stronger, better person for it. I'll leap again and sincerely hope this time my landing is a little more softer.

I just hope he'll ask me officially again now. c: So romantic that way. Haha... I'm such a nerd.

I've been drawing so much lately, mostly work... But hey it's still art. My wrists aren't having any problems any more, it's pretty amazing!!! I haven't felt any strains for almost two months now. I'm so happy! But my back is hurting more than ever... I seriously think I need to start seeing a professional to work on it. It hurts so bad. :C

Also cats and dogs don't like Pop-Its. Unless you're my corgi named Candy, she darts after them biting the ground! She's such a goof, that's why I love her. Even if she's the worlds biggest brat.
I think I need to try not biting my nails again. Get the who growth formula and everything.. I'm so nervous about my hands and I'm biting so bad again they're raw and in so much pain, just one less thing I need. But not biting them will be hell to do, longest I've ever gone was 3 weeks.

Work over at Subeta hopefully will take a turn for the better, I've been less than my best. I've spent to much time worrying about other things that I'm not taking my job into real consideration and I'm really working hard to fix that. I just hope I'm not to late to prove my worth to their site.

And my commissions have been going pretty good too! Soon as I can sit down and get started on them I have a super hard time trying to stop even if it's to eat or sleep... LIKE RIGHT NOW lol!

I made some doodles too!

This is a doodle for a friend, her name is Kiminess on Subeta! -^

This was a drawing of my own pet named Navon.-^
This is my Supsaur. He's pretty chill. -^

Haha, Gotta love random doodles... One thing I do really miss lately is the thrill of ordering a new book every couple of weeks, but my bad budgeting has finally caught up to me so it looks like my amazon wish list will have to wait a couple of months at least before I can pick up another new book. But I do love my current collection and love love love to reread them over and over. It's so amazing to see how these teams created whole new worlds for their stories, I just sit here in awe hoping some day I can do the same.

That's all I got for now, seeing how I still haven't slept...... hm. Not good.

Haha, thanks for reading everyone!

Real life updating!

Ahh, haha. If you noticed the post below is still there. Why? I read it again and again, and you know what? I don't feel any different even after cooling down. Everything on that post was 120% correct, maybe harsh, but true. So I'll be leaving it up. c;

But yeah, life has been having it's ups and downs, you know life being what it is. I'm still desperately behind when it comes to money matters, slowly but surely I am catching up thankfully.

Rent and bills covered this month, I've been working steadily on my quota. Soon as that dead line is over I'm back on my commissions que that I have lined up. I'll be needing to get them done because I will be little short again next month thanks to my school loan BS.

But other than that life has been pretty okay. Hanging out with my friends, having good times, meeting some new people, perhaps developing new love interest? To early to say but hey, so long as we're having fun am I right? C:

I'll be updating here more often hopefully as I get back to arting again and showing some doodles here, wips, and other goodies. I'll be ranting here as well, so like my post before I won't promise to stop that because ranting here feels really good and it's fun to read and laugh later. Makes the stresses melt away.

Right now I think I'll be making some brownies actually, I've been craving them lately!

Make over time!

Oh wow, lots of time has gone by! I'm just so happy that April is finally over. I really really am. Spring has finally come because the rain just won't stop pouring, haha. I'm sick of it! I can't wait for the sunshine again.

But in the mean time I did get a massive hair cut and coloring. My room mate Hayley asked if I could be a model for her friend Britney who studied at the salon with her and I agreed to it. Heck why not? It's just hair. It will always grow back. c:

So yeah I got a nice change! Check it out!




This is me and my Room mate Morgan! We both got to be models, Britney worked on me while Morgan got hers done by our room mate Hayley. We look amazing!


And here I took a picture with my stylist! Britney Rose! Pretty cool right? Haha, It's very different. I even wore fake eye lashes, can you believe it? I never ever wear anything more than lip gloss at most. Chap stick even.

But now after all this my friends are pretty pumped to get me styling my hair and get me to start working on my make up skills. I'm sure a little touching up would be nice, but nothing like this again, way to much! I actually got home, took a couple snap shots, and then took a lobster hot shower attempting to scrub it all off! PHEW! It was hard, and I still didn't even get it all off. Make up is tough stuff.

Other news is we got the Grill too! I'll have to take pictures when we first decide to use it. It's really excited, I love making mesquite marinated steaks on the grill, oh yum! My mouth is just watering thinking about it.

I haven't been drawing a whole lot lately. I can't seem to stay awake long enough to focus on well.. anything. And when I am awake I have killer head aches, migraines even. I'm really not sure what to do these days. I'm trying to relax and not worry as much as I have been this start of the year. I think I'll be able too now that a lot of conflicts have been dealt with. No real happy endings, but new beginnings.

And the more I'm living at the new house the more it's beginning to look like home in my room. Two book cases I'm eager to fill with art books, list can be found here on amazon: http://amzn.com/w/1UXKH4AEPVVZE I hope to fill my shelves with all sorts of art-related books and some interesting manga/novels.

My computer desk is a mess, I need to fix that soon. Place needs some serious vacuuming but after a little spit and shine it'll be pretty nice.

One thing that is really worrisome though... My tablet looks like it's on it's last legs. Which is not good what so ever. I was hoping I would at least have a couple more months but now I'm not sure. It's really troubling since all my income is based around my tablet and digital art. Aiee, I got to figure something out about that. I might get extra cash for my birthday so that'll go towards a new tablet plus whatever else I can manage to save from my pay checks.

The newer tablet I plan to get is the Intuos 4, medium size, black. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of reviewing, and so much more that I am not 210% positive that is the tablet I want to make my next partner. So all savings will go towards that. I might even have to break a couple of savings bonds if I have too... But yeah. I gotta do what I gotta do.

Other than that, not a whole lot else has been happening. I hope to update more with doodles soon as I'm feeling physically better! I'm itching to doodle!!!

Thank you for reading, loves of love, Ashi J!

Pit of FIIIIIRE

Well as you all heard before I think, I posted about me getting a grill as a house warming gift later on, well thinking about the grill I also was thinking how great would it be to be able to sit outside like in the old days have a good old fashioned bomb fire. Sit around the flickering flames and tell stories, just like when I was little. I really miss that about the farm!

Well now I have a good chunk of that in my new home and in my new life, I was planning on later on purchasing a fire pit, but while I was over at my moms my roomie/friend Katie/Bikuu had mentioned it in front of my mother.

Now my mom stopped us, "Fire pit? I have one of those I never even opened!" She asked us if we would like it and I LEAPED at the chance to have a brand new never opened fire pit! That's saving a good 60 - 90$ from my pockets!


OMG SO EXCITED TO BE ROASTING WEENIES AND MARSHMALLOWS! <3

Just had to update here about it, so happy! Haha.. xD

Thanks for reading!

The cook is back!

HOLY COW! I have to update here again, why you may ask?

Well I went over to my mom's yesterday. She said she had a few things there for me to pick up and take over to the new house, so I figure nothing special. Some frozen foods or little kitchen wear.

I walk in to bags of things lined up for me at the front door. Literally I stopped and dropped my jaw! My uncle Errol had purchased BRAND SPANKING NEW appliances for me to get started on! This is beyond all of my expectations, it really was! I figured you know since I'm new to moving out and now sure what I'm doing I won't get anything fancy. Just hand me downs, thrift store junk, stuff like that... NOPE! My uncle said he wasn't going to get second hand stuff, I should get these all BRAND NEW!

So I practically screamed and hugged the ever living crap out of him, I actually accidentally lifted him off the ground a couple of times, haha.

Here are the three big things he got me!

Presto Kitchen Kettle - I love using this as a fryer. It's just like my mom's so I know exactly how to use and clean it! Yippie!
Oster Electric Versatility Skillet - I practically cook everything in these things. YES!
Annnd I got a pretty Oster Metallic Red Stainless Steal Toaster!
This is to match my beautiful red blender and microwave!!!
Other things both of them got together for me was a big box of delicious potatoes, I took a bag full home. I got some toilet paper, phew thank goodness cause I can't afford to get more at the moment! And we also get a Brita water pitcher so we don't have to taste the swamp water from the tap any more! YAY!!!! Also got me a HUGE bag of dog food for the poochies, squee they won't run out of food for a very long time now.

I'm just so thankful and so very excited to start cooking with these and have people try my food experiments. I love to cook but I don't know a lot of it, so this is finally my time to brush up on it in my very own kitchen. Eee ee ee <3

My uncle also told me he would talk me shopping for a few other things, nothing big, so I'm a little excited to be doing that too. Means I get to go out and window shop all day! :D

So yeah, I just had to share my good fortune, when I start cooking fun dishes I'll try to take pictures and post them here too!

Thanks so much for reading. - AJ

Giving this baby a kick start.

It's been a long ass while since I've updated here.

So much in my life has happened, it was like a roller coaster, going through hoops, upside down one moment and right side up again the next. Even thinking about how rushed it all was makes me a little nauseous..

I went through a bit of depression over the end of the year and right as it got started up again, a whole lot of romance and relationship drama. Anyone who is looking for love, I highly reccomend NOT getting into a massive long distance relationship. Specially if you're oceans apart. You go in floating over the world, happy as can be, be before you know it you're crashing down to earth in a burning fury... SMASH! Right into the ground hard with reality of most things of your relationship.

Shit is tough, let me tell ya. So right now, I'm just... Well focusing on me. I can't deal with that much heart ache while there is so much to do!

As a lot of people may have heard on my FA or Twitter, I finally made my move to a new house start of April here. Moving went by so fast, it was a little startling! But I have just about 95% of my own things all unpacked and moved into their place, so that's really nice.

I just got cable and internet yesterday, so here I am chatting away on the net all over again. I really have to get back to catching up on work, subeta and commissions, I wasted enough time with all this packing and unpacking nonsense. What do I have to do before I forgoet.. Finish my quota in the ideal range of 15th... Get my painted portraits done for customers, and a few more pokemon icons.. Then I might be good until next month.

This month we already have all of out stuff mostly paid off, but now I'm actually only left with $2.64 to my name, how funny is that? Thank goodness my mom gave groceries! I just have to be a lot more careful as to where my money goes from now on.

Before all this moving I had ran to the clinic to finally check out why my wrists feel as if their bones are grinding... Doctor really had no explanation, there was nothing wrong with my nerves or bones, so he recommended that I do stretches and work out my arms to help prevent over working them. Thinking about it.. Ouch, I paid $80 for that? Haha... I guess in the end it's more so important to know there is nothing SERIOUSLY wrong with them, yet.

So for now on I'm stretching them as much as I can, wearing my braces on and off, and I just got a couple of little hand weights to lift as I'm watching TV, me working out.. pfff, it's like the world is going to end!

I've been working on a lot of things and I'll be sure to post here more often now that I got all my at home stuff in place, thanks for reading my musings I promise to be more artsy and interesting later! <3