HULK SMASHHHHHH

Yo peeps, been a while right?

Lost my computer on the 18th via burned out mother board.

Now it's back in working order, so much for just over night fix? I'll tell you where I'm never taking my computer again! Not only did they keep my computer for just under two weeks and for the past several days guarantee I'd have it back in a couple of hours they lost a part to my computer, forgot to screw it back together, and didn't even give me the 25$ back up CD I requested.

I just now found most of my back up items, thank god. I was ready to kill a mofo.

But a couple hours ago I literally went into a fit of rage of screaming and crying. Something I haven't done in a long time, I felt like I was acting like a 5 year old having a massive tantrum. But finally I calmed down with a splitting head ache, a bruised right hand, and my cell phone completely smashed to bits. GO ME!

I have to spend the whole night reinstalling everything and getting my computer back on track before I can get back to work on my subeta stuff or commissions I had progressed from DA.

No idea how much it will run me for the new phone, gotta talk with my mom about it. I already ran to the alltel place and they said we could renew my mom's phone plan and just use that to get a discounted phone since my adorable scoop wasn't insured, perfect. But again, need to talk with my mom before anything gets decided, she'll be pissed I know it. I know I am, YES I AM AN IDIOT! :C

So for now I'm spending the rest of the night in shambles from stress trying to put back the pieces of everything. Hopefully it all gets back in order and I can move on.

Just cross your fingers and hope my house or car doesn't blow up, with the luck I've been having it's honestly possible.

When it rains, it pours.

So things were going alright until my little melt down, soon as I let myself open up and cry it out things only got worse.

Late night on the 18th my desktop computer died. This is my main computer, my work computer, and my arting computer. Everything I have is on it.

In a panic I tried to find a way to fix it and had a friend come over to look. We popped off the case and cleaned out all the dust, she assumed it was the power supply. And with that we ourselves couldn't do anything about it.

The next morning at 10am on the 19th I took my computer to Tech Medics across the street. They were very kind and friendly. That put me at some ease after I explained the situation. So I left my computer with them and they would call me when they found what was officially wrong with it.

So I just got a call today on the 20th. My motherboard or something is fried. I just managed to scrape together 50$ to pay for their service... but now I need to get another $350+ to repair it and for parts....

I'm almost completely broken at this point. I'm scared I won't get my desktop back, I'm scared I'll lose my new job, I'm just scared that everything I planned just went down the toilet in a simple power outage.....

I'm breaking down all over again. I'm not sure if I can get this money together. There is no reasonable way to get it.

I just had to vent a little more from my cranky laptop, I've been trying to draw on it but so far it's proving to be extremely difficult without my art programs and drivers...

I love my computer. They said it was probably a good idea to go get a brand new one, I told them that wasn't an option. My computer has been extremely loyal to me, always worked hard under all the stress I put it through, and all around is amazing. I can't just throw it away. I have to find a way to pay them to fix it.... Right now they won't take monthly payments especially on parts so it has to be upfront, my worst fear.

For now I'll try to keep updated here once in a while, wish me luck. I really need some right now...

Again, yes, money does buy happiness.
Anyone who tells you different is full of shit.
And if it isn't buying it, it's PROTECTING your happiness, we all need that.

On a lighter note. TP!!!

Heh.. Well I'd also figure I should post something worth looking at for those who aren't interested in my sob stories.

New item just came out on subeta today that I drew!How perfect for my mood, right? Haha!

Bare with me.

Right now I'm having a bit of a life crisis. Nothing major, nothing extremely threatening in the least. But it's having a severe attack on my mind and conscious. I feel as if I'm slowly losing my mind as I try to think of answers, compromises. Something that will make everyone happy. But such a conclusion is absolutely impossible to come too with everyone involved in the situation. Dre, my mother, my sister, and my father... So much is depending on me and I know I can't do it when they expect me to soar with flying colors. It's heart breaking.

I have done nothing but repeatedly make bad decisions. I jump into things I don't quite understand and it bites me in the ass. I got everyone's hopes up only to watch myself crash and burn in the full glorious failing flames.

Let me start from the very beginning. Prepare yourself, you're in for a long read.

It all started with the very start of 2009. As soon as my boyfriend left back for his home in Australia I began to get depressed. In this state I slowly began to lose all drive and ability to draw much of anything. This was the biggest blow I've ever faced for so long seeing how I would focus on drawing for several long hours in on sitting a day to doing nothing but laying in bed all week in tears.

Slowly my commissions began to slip and pile up. I kept taking more and more because I honestly needed the money... For bills, food, my pets and home. Many things. But I just couldn't manage to do my half of the deals any more. Just recently I finally owned up to my failure as a professional artist and told everyone I'll have to refund them all due to me not being able to complete the work that I had promised in our business agreement.

In this slump I tried to think of many solutions to my problems. And the final outcome? Why don't I start off in my career as I wait for Dre? The biggest mistake I ever did right there. I jumped into and asked my oldest sister, Carmyn, for all the help she had to offer me in looking at the tech, filling out all the endless forms, and even helping me with my books. She's the one I'm so upset for letting down. She really believed in me and I couldn't pull myself together to even suck it up for her sake. For my moms sake too.

Well, just before school started there was that whole Cash for Clunkers sale deal going on. It was the very last weekend for it as we realized and my mom had to work. So again Carmyn took me out in her free time to go and see if we could even trade in my clunker. Turns out my car was perfect for the $4,500 off deal the system had. We looked all over town and in a flash we had decided then and there to get a car. And after that week, I had a brand new car.

This decision I won't regret though. I'm so happy to have this new vehicle so I can take care of and make sure it doesn't turn into a clunker itself. But the car was very expensive to me, $17,000 or something. In the range at least. But dock about 4500 and some money we tossed in it was taken down to the price of $9,000-$10,000 to now pay off on a monthly bill.

This is what now is adding to the problem. I jumped into the college idea thinking this was my chance to get into learning something useful again, how excited I was!.....
How very if not extremely wrong I was.

College at the Tech. was nothing I had expected. I'd never felt so let down in my life. But still I bit my lips and strained a smile telling myself, "Oh it'll get better, just you wait! Just a bit longer and you're done!!!" But even with all this chanting in my head I couldn't manage to hold myself together. I sank back into such a depressive state I hadn't felt since the night my house burned to the ground knowing I had abandoned my babies to die there. But that is a story I won't be getting into.

Slowly I began to get sicker and sicker. I was so sick for nearly a month and a half I could barely leave my bed to go to the bathroom. I had missed so much school I didn't know what to do or how I could face them going back. This only made everything worse.

So in a fit of desperation I sent a note to a long time favorite artist of mine that I'd always looked up to asking for any advice. They gave me so much information, I didn't expect it at all. With all this newer information I felt rejuvenated, relieved, and almost confident again as I began to sink into some of the art studies they showed me.

Couple weeks go by as I practice daily, my mother begins to hound me about college. But what could I tell her? I didn't know what to say. I had already planned on not going back. But if I had stayed I wouldn't owe financial aid any money and my father would have given me and my mother $5,000 to help pay off some of the car. At the time I didn't know a lot of this information so I hadn't really cared.

But after finding out I began to feel guilty. I tried to go back to school but I couldn't keep at it again to practice my art. In my time practicing I thought about getting a new job to help with payments on the car and bills, luckily for me I actually got the job and now am working my very first month over at the pet site called Subeta. I'm only a part-time employee, but I hope if I work hard enough, get enough help, and get a good enough shove in the right direction I can convince them I would make myself a valuable member of their team and worthy enough to work full time. I'm not ready yet for such responsibility yet but I hope someday I will be.

Now I haven't been to my classes in weeks. I've already failed them I assume. But how am I to tell my family this? I've already blew a fuse and broke down crying to my boyfriend Dre trying to think of solutions to this problem. I know that if I continue to work very hard on my own with my art and my job over on Subeta I will find a way to pull through. But that won't stop the disappointment of my mother and sister. That won't stop their concern and worry. That won't stop their anger with me.

I have many plans for the future, many goals I have set to accomplish with new information I have learned over the past couple of months. I honestly believe that I can pay off the car on my own, pay back the financial aid, and pay back the small remainder I owe my sister. And of course all my commissions.

But how do I convince my sister and mother? I can't. I have done nothing to earn their trust and belief in me. I don't deserve their doubt and I know it.

I know I can pay everyone back if I just woke a little harder, sell some of my stuff, give myself up for pracs, just anything. But that's not what I'm afraid of. I'm scared of them telling me every single day what a loser I am. How disappointed they are in me. How I don't deserve anything.... not even their love.

That's what I'm so devasted about at the moment.

So if I seem out of it lately, I apologize. I'm finally cracking a bit but only so much helps.

They say money can't buy happiness. I'll be 180% honest, it really does. Because being poor, broke, and/or in dept tears people apart even worse.


Wish me luck, I'll do my best to keep working hard. So long as I hear people cheering me on it will help keep me going. You all have no idea how much it means to me to hear, "good luck ash!" "you can do it!" "we believe in you".... It really helps keep me going when times get tough.

Thanks for bothering to look and read.
- Ashi J

Almost forgot the cupcakes!

For Subeta's Morostide [Halloween] holiday!



I'm pretty sure you can find these cuties in the pumpkin patch. c;
I actually need these myself for my pet Coacoa's treasure chest since she collects cupcakes lol!

Figured I'd add that for now. <3

Fireflies and Icebergs

Making another post because I feel like it. :D

So just yesterday I was able to get ahold of all the albums and singles of one of my favorite bands. Owl City. I'm pretty excited because I haven't been able to listen to the new album Ocean Eyes or any of the singles really.

I started off with these two and now getting completely hooked on the newest one.

Now I only just started listening..... But I am really liking the song "Tip of the iceberg". It reminds me a lot of the time when Dre was here and a bit how we love each other. Haha, silly right? But I love the tune too, it's just so consuming like I wouldn't be able to hear anything else when I listen to this song. OH! And another reeeeally good one I'm liking is the song "Fireflies"!

Here's their website if you'd like to check them out yourself.

Gaming it up again.

So Bikuu/Katie was looking at games agian to play, she goes through them like crazy. While sitting back and listening to her talk about them it made me seriously miss them. But I wouldn't know what I could possibly play...

I use to be a complete Ragnarok Online junkie back in the day, I've always loved that game but you can only try so many free servers... I played a little flyff too but it's such a grind fest I never had any real fun. People there aren't exactly friendly to boot..

Then it hit me what game to play. It was one I had dropped a year ago, last fall, due to some maintenance issues with my computer. So I went to the site to see if my account was still active, sure enough it was still there and ready to be picked up after a whole year.

So now I'm playing Asda Story Online again. C:

It's a pretty cute game, a lot like flyff actually... Only.. Way more fun in my opinion! People who play it are a lot friendlier too.

This is my current character, Rixi. Right now I'm a level 32 Knight.I play on channel 2 mostly.
[Click the picture to see the whole image!]

So yeah, it's been even more fun that I've got back on to see all the new features the game has to offer! I even met up with a really nice clan called Reminisce that's been helping me get back into the game and let me join their group. Super swell of them. C:

But yeah, haven't been up to a whole lot other than this. I need to stop being so lazy and get back to work, lol!

More releases today?

Oh wow, they even released my Apple and Lemonlime beanbags today too on Subeta!

I did these along with the Chocolate Tress wig to show on my application and decided to reuse them for subeta. C: I love fruity themes, don't you?

First subeta releases!

Oh wow, pretty excited my first items were released today on subeta.

First one is what I called the Chocolate Tress, which is almost a bit embaressing cause I made it a few weeks ago to put on my application and I should have redrawn the idea but I must admit I just got lazy. xD Not the most amazing wig, color, or design but it's something!


The other ones were my 'Fluff' wigs. I decided to draw them simply because I personally adore shorter hair styles and I saw a similar style in a manga I was reading. I can't remember which manga it was now.. something with a K. Lol... But yeah, so here's one example!


Not a whole lot of people liked them, but that's understandable. They aren't as flashy and nice as the other wigs, plus I must admit that the Fluff ones were more for me than anyone else simply because it's one of my personal favorite styles.. Haha.

Can you believe they came out is 15 different colors? There were originally 18 or something but I took a few out. Still so many! A couple natural-ish colors and the rest pretty unnatural for kicks.

But yeah, I'll be sure to post some more of my stuff that happens to come out on subeta here for anyone that shows interest. C:

I can't wait to see if people will like my other creations now. <3

Sup.

I forgot all about this blog. I'm not to fond of LJ so I thought I'd pick this up again.

I'll try to keep updating here and posting doodles every now and then.

Thanks for stopping by. C:

- AshiJ