Right now I'm having a bit of a life crisis. Nothing major, nothing extremely threatening in the least. But it's having a severe attack on my mind and conscious. I feel as if I'm slowly losing my mind as I try to think of answers, compromises. Something that will make everyone happy. But such a conclusion is absolutely impossible to come too with everyone involved in the situation. Dre, my mother, my sister, and my father... So much is depending on me and I know I can't do it when they expect me to soar with flying colors. It's heart breaking.
I have done nothing but repeatedly make bad decisions. I jump into things I don't quite understand and it bites me in the ass. I got everyone's hopes up only to watch myself crash and burn in the full glorious failing flames.
Let me start from the very beginning. Prepare yourself, you're in for a long read.
It all started with the very start of 2009. As soon as my boyfriend left back for his home in Australia I began to get depressed. In this state I slowly began to lose all drive and ability to draw much of anything. This was the biggest blow I've ever faced for so long seeing how I would focus on drawing for several long hours in on sitting a day to doing nothing but laying in bed all week in tears.
Slowly my commissions began to slip and pile up. I kept taking more and more because I honestly needed the money... For bills, food, my pets and home. Many things. But I just couldn't manage to do my half of the deals any more. Just recently I finally owned up to my failure as a professional artist and told everyone I'll have to refund them all due to me not being able to complete the work that I had promised in our business agreement.
In this slump I tried to think of many solutions to my problems. And the final outcome? Why don't I start off in my career as I wait for Dre? The biggest mistake I ever did right there. I jumped into and asked my oldest sister, Carmyn, for all the help she had to offer me in looking at the tech, filling out all the endless forms, and even helping me with my books. She's the one I'm so upset for letting down. She really believed in me and I couldn't pull myself together to even suck it up for her sake. For my moms sake too.
Well, just before school started there was that whole Cash for Clunkers sale deal going on. It was the very last weekend for it as we realized and my mom had to work. So again Carmyn took me out in her free time to go and see if we could even trade in my clunker. Turns out my car was perfect for the $4,500 off deal the system had. We looked all over town and in a flash we had decided then and there to get a car. And after that week, I had a brand new car.
This decision I won't regret though. I'm so happy to have this new vehicle so I can take care of and make sure it doesn't turn into a clunker itself. But the car was very expensive to me, $17,000 or something. In the range at least. But dock about 4500 and some money we tossed in it was taken down to the price of $9,000-$10,000 to now pay off on a monthly bill.
This is what now is adding to the problem. I jumped into the college idea thinking this was my chance to get into learning something useful again, how excited I was!.....
How very if not extremely wrong I was.
College at the Tech. was nothing I had expected. I'd never felt so let down in my life. But still I bit my lips and strained a smile telling myself, "Oh it'll get better, just you wait! Just a bit longer and you're done!!!" But even with all this chanting in my head I couldn't manage to hold myself together. I sank back into such a depressive state I hadn't felt since the night my house burned to the ground knowing I had abandoned my babies to die there. But that is a story I won't be getting into.
Slowly I began to get sicker and sicker. I was so sick for nearly a month and a half I could barely leave my bed to go to the bathroom. I had missed so much school I didn't know what to do or how I could face them going back. This only made everything worse.
So in a fit of desperation I sent a note to a long time favorite artist of mine that I'd always looked up to asking for any advice. They gave me so much information, I didn't expect it at all. With all this newer information I felt rejuvenated, relieved, and almost confident again as I began to sink into some of the art studies they showed me.
Couple weeks go by as I practice daily, my mother begins to hound me about college. But what could I tell her? I didn't know what to say. I had already planned on not going back. But if I had stayed I wouldn't owe financial aid any money and my father would have given me and my mother $5,000 to help pay off some of the car. At the time I didn't know a lot of this information so I hadn't really cared.
But after finding out I began to feel guilty. I tried to go back to school but I couldn't keep at it again to practice my art. In my time practicing I thought about getting a new job to help with payments on the car and bills, luckily for me I actually got the job and now am working my very first month over at the pet site called Subeta. I'm only a part-time employee, but I hope if I work hard enough, get enough help, and get a good enough shove in the right direction I can convince them I would make myself a valuable member of their team and worthy enough to work full time. I'm not ready yet for such responsibility yet but I hope someday I will be.
Now I haven't been to my classes in weeks. I've already failed them I assume. But how am I to tell my family this? I've already blew a fuse and broke down crying to my boyfriend Dre trying to think of solutions to this problem. I know that if I continue to work very hard on my own with my art and my job over on Subeta I will find a way to pull through. But that won't stop the disappointment of my mother and sister. That won't stop their concern and worry. That won't stop their anger with me.
I have many plans for the future, many goals I have set to accomplish with new information I have learned over the past couple of months. I honestly believe that I can pay off the car on my own, pay back the financial aid, and pay back the small remainder I owe my sister. And of course all my commissions.
But how do I convince my sister and mother? I can't. I have done nothing to earn their trust and belief in me. I don't deserve their doubt and I know it.
I know I can pay everyone back if I just woke a little harder, sell some of my stuff, give myself up for pracs, just anything. But that's not what I'm afraid of. I'm scared of them telling me every single day what a loser I am. How disappointed they are in me. How I don't deserve anything.... not even their love.
That's what I'm so devasted about at the moment.
So if I seem out of it lately, I apologize. I'm finally cracking a bit but only so much helps.
They say money can't buy happiness. I'll be 180% honest, it really does. Because being poor, broke, and/or in dept tears people apart even worse.
Wish me luck, I'll do my best to keep working hard. So long as I hear people cheering me on it will help keep me going. You all have no idea how much it means to me to hear, "good luck ash!" "you can do it!" "we believe in you".... It really helps keep me going when times get tough.
Thanks for bothering to look and read.
- Ashi J
Doodle I did for Tam Ashdene on FA/twitter since I owed him a commission and took forever cause I suck at life. HOPE HE LIKES THIS! :D
This is a drawing I did for a customer on SL for about 10$ since it was a simpler character. And I pasted together the whole process I went through to make it, or what I had saved at least.
These are just a couple doodles of ideas I'd like to use for profiles on subeta. For February, the lovey-dovey month. I'd like to use Coacoa! She'd be perfect to rep this month on my profile. The second is of AJ resting on Ashireep as she plays the new pokemon games that will be coming out next March! How exciting! Will I ever finish them though? Who knows.
This was an art trade with Zer/Zeriara/Seux whatever name she uses. She made my character look fab, I don't think I did her character enough justice though.
This was going to be fan art of the Harvest Moon character Calvin, but I got distracted.
Doodle for my friend Mae.
wtf random turtle?
Little devonti sheepy for someone on subeta.
RANDOM COMIC IDEA: A pokemon one with my trainer catching her first pokemon all by herself. She wants her little wooper to meet her Tauros.. Let's just say things don't turn out well.
Doodle of my ashireep.
WIZ! He looks awfully happy.
Bunny? Deer? Say what now?
LOL I'M AN AVATARD. :C I made my own persona-Na'vi... Not horribly fancy or pretty, I didn't draw her eyes big enough apparently but you get the main idea.
